Wizard Chess Slash Ch 2
by Joshua Riddle
Summary: Part of our neverending quest to mock the shippers of the world...


Bio info: Same as Chapter 1 in Series  
  
Wizard Chess Slash:  
  
A Serious Series of Satirical Slash  
  
By: Josh Riddle  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
Draco Plays with Himself  
  
Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, descended the staircases to his private office in the Dungeons. A portrait of a particularly greasy vampire waved at him as he walked by, but Snape merely glared back.  
"Oh, go on then. Don't say hello!" Several dark corridors later, Snape arrived at his office door. At the flick of his wand, a clicking sound issued from behind the door, the knob turned and the door opened inward.  
He glided soundlessly into his office with the Wizard Chess set floating in behind him and settling itself quietly on his desk next to a thick tome, Bite Me: Confessions of a Werewolf, Author Unknown. The office was filled from floor to ceiling with shelves lined with jars of the most unusual and unsettling dark substances: bottles of swirling misty vapors, cauldrons of bubbling green solutions, and silver trays of pungent herbs and rotting molds. Several eyeballs in an inky black solution stared back at him as he swirled his robe around to sit on his chair.  
Queasy with the disorientation from travel, the Wizard Chess pieces were attempting to stand up despite their unsteadiness. With the previous game over, the pieces were picking each other up and resetting themselves on the board. Even the American cowboy Knight, who had before been downtrodden from the Queen's slap, had returned to riding high in his saddle and slapping his side with a whooping, "YEE HAW!"  
"Where are we?" the Bishop demanded, stealing another sip from his flask.  
"In my office," Snape said coolly down at them, his head resting atop his two clenched hands.  
"And who are you?" the Bishop shot back.  
"Severus Snape, Professor and Master of Potions at Hogwarts," he said with great emphasis.  
"Who gives a damn who the bloody hell you are?" the Bishop called back, throwing up his fist and giving Snape the same rude gesture he had given Harry in the Great Hall.  
"I should think that you would care," Snape continued, a sinister grin crossing his face. "I could brew a Potion here that would slowly dissolve you. It would be most painful, and it would last an excruciatingly long time. Enough time, in fact, for you to watch me enjoying your suffering."  
The Bishop flinched stupidly, staggering back a few paces from Snape at the import of his words. The same Pawns who had been stealing their King's jewels had positioned themselves behind the Bishop, crouching low enough so that as he recoiled, the Bishop bumped into them and fell over backwards.  
"Excellent!" one of the Pawns said to the other, giving him a wicked smile.  
"Good show, chap!" the other responded, grinning back with a gleeful thumbs-up.  
"Do you mind controlling your subjects?" demanded Harry's Queen to Ron's King. She had been watching the two Pawns lining themselves up behind the Bishop, other pieces egging them on and cheering when they had tripped him.  
The other King, who had managed to sleep the entire length of the bumpy trip down to Snape's office, responded with a muffled snore from beneath his drooping crown.  
"What about you?" the Queen shot at her own King, who was cowering to the left and slightly behind her on the board. "Can't you do something about this? You are the King, after all!"  
"Yes. um, yes. my dear. whatever you. say," he stuttered, his eyes wide and fixed on the Pawns' mischief as the Bishop grumbled obscenities and attempted to right himself.  
"Enough!" snapped Snape. Silence and stillness descended on all the pieces as Snape pointed his wand fixedly at the board, a sinister smile creeping across his sallow face. As Snape drew breath to say something else, a knock sounded at his office door, which gave Harry's King such a fright that he grabbed the Queen with trembling hands and cried uncontrollably.  
Snape breathed heavily and made a disapproving sound in his throat, withdrawing his wand and setting it on his desk. "Enter," he said strongly.  
The door to Snape's office swung open as if by command, and standing framed in the doorway was Draco Malfoy, a fifth-year Slytherin Prefect and Snape's favorite student. Draco wore the customary black robe and green and silver tie with his gold Prefect's Badge pinned on his strong chest. He leaned casually against the doorframe with his arms crossed and wearing a smug, arrogant look on his face, his tussled blond hair falling over his face.  
"Professor," he said with a drawl, eyeing Snape.  
"Draco," Snape said with a widening grin, "do come in to me." Snape usually referred to all of his students by their last name, not out of respect but for Snape's unmistaken contempt. But with Draco, Snape preferred a more intimate exchange.  
Draco stepped into the office, the door closing behind him. The sound of muted applause echoed in the corridor behind him. He looked around the office, considering what new dangerous substances Snape may have procured since the last time he had been in there. Unfortunately, the only time Draco was ever in Snape's office, he usually spent the majority of the time on his back looking up at the ceiling.  
"Do you have your report for me?" Snape hissed, the sinister grin still widening across his face.  
"Yes, Professor," Draco said, his eyes settling just beyond Snape on a tall and thin tapering flask atop the corner shelf that contained a burgundy liquid with gray flecks and sparks. "They spent most of the morning playing with each other on the Quidditch pitch. Weasley's been practicing falling into Potter's arms. It's the only thing that'll save him next time we play," he said with a mischievous grin, chuckling at the thought. "Then they went to the Great Hall. I sent Crabbe and Goyle to keep an eye on them."  
"I know," Snape said coolly. "And while I admire your thoroughness, I would have suggested students with the appropriate aptitude for that kind of work. Never you mind, though. What about Ms. Granger?"  
"That know-it-all mudblood stayed in the library all morning," Draco said.  
"And the other Gryffindors?" Snape asked.  
"Finnigan hasn't left yet."  
"What is he doing?" Snape eyed Draco.  
Draco looked down for a moment. "He's. been packing."  
Snape considered him for a moment. "I assume you mean his clothes?"  
Draco nodded his head, though Snape's eyes bore into him. After a moment's silence and intense staring, Snape smiled approvingly. "Didn't the Creevey brothers remain at Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday?"  
Draco snorted. "Of course. If my parents were Muggles, I'd stay here, too. I heard that one of them was taken to the hospital with frostbite, and the other was having a hard time walking. Something wrong with his backside. He'll be holding it all week."  
"You saw this yourself?" Snape asked.  
"No, Professor," Draco answered. "One of the house-elves told me."  
Snape suddenly had a disturbing image of an unruly house-elf refusing to wear her loin cloth running screaming through the Great Hall after a pair of Ravenclaw students. "Which one?" he asked with great trepidation.  
"I don't know her name. That pervy little house-elf that keeps hanging around the lake when she's not working."  
"Of course," Snape said, nodding at Draco. "I should have known."  
By now, Draco had noticed and was looking down at the Wizard Chess board. The pieces, clearly frightened by Snape's last threat, were not talking and trying not to move, though the Bishop had now hoisted up his own robes and proceeded to kicking at the two Pawns with bony legs.  
"Was there something else?" Snape asked slowly, watching Draco's eyes move over the chess board.  
"Yes, Professor," Draco answered. "Is that Weasley's board?"  
"Ah, yes, it is," Snape said, grinning. "I confiscated it from him for his impudence." Snape settled back, watching Draco swallow in his throat as his eyes widened with a disturbing pleasure. "You recognize his pieces?"  
"Oh, I know Weasley's pieces," Draco answered, licking his bottom lip without realizing that he was doing so.  
"Tell me, Draco," Snape began, "have you ever played a game of Wizards' Chess before?"  
"Yeah," Draco answered dully.  
"No, Draco, I don't mean foolish children's games like the ones you play with your little friends. I want to know if you have ever played a real game of Wizards' Chess before."  
For the first time, Draco looked over at Snape with wide eyes full of anticipation. "There's a difference, Professor?"  
Snape's grin nearly exploded on his face, the fullness of his impending joy now completely evident. "Yes, Draco, there is. In real Wizards' Chess, the players actually become one of the pieces."  
"How do they do that?" Draco asked, looking back at the board. The Queen had noticed Draco, and rather than her usually huffy manner, she had softened considerably and had been batting her eyes and smiling seductively at him, waving up at Draco as she shifted her hips.  
"It is a simple matter of Transfiguring yourself into one of the pieces. You would not be able to do it yet because you have not learned how to. I, however." Snape began, lowering his voice and arching one eyebrow.  
"Professor," Draco said, his breath staggering and his lips parched. "Could you. I mean, could you do it. to me?"  
Snape seemed to tense up and then suddenly relax again as Draco said this, as if a violent spasm were passing through his body at each word. "Yes," he hissed with a sudden intake of air, "I can. But I will decide your moves."  
Draco never heard anything after the word yes. He was already taking his wand out of his robes and setting it on the desk. This was, of course, not the first time Draco had disrobed in Snape's office.  
Raising his wand, Snape pointed it at Draco and uttered the incantation. A jet of green light engulfed Draco, his body tingling all over in the most unusual places. There was a sudden popping sound, the room filled with a brilliant light, and Draco found himself staring up from the ground, looking at the massive room around him.  
"Yes!" Draco shouted out, finding that his voice was softer and higher pitched from this height. Snape stood, towering over Draco like a giant to an insect. Draco was now only a few inches tall, similar to the chess pieces, and sitting atop his sleek blond hair was a silver crown with an emerald green snake winding throughout the spires.  
"Wingardium leviosa," Snape said, his wand swishing to one side over Draco. Draco felt the uneasiness of floating as he drifted up from the floor and over the desk, coming at last to rest on the Wizard Chess board next to the other fidgeting pieces.  
"Who is that?" Harry's Queen demanded, her hands on his hips.  
Draco, sneering at the Queen, made to extract his wand from his robe to curse her, but found that he had left it on the desk. The wand, near the board, was now several times larger than Draco himself.  
"Malfoy," he began, his eyes narrowing maliciously at the Queen. "Draco Malfoy."  
The pieces instinctively took a step back. Many times they had heard Ron carrying on about how evil Draco was, and now to see him standing on their board, they looked at him with terror in their eyes. Immediate in their minds were the lone, restless nights over the summer holiday when Ron would moan out Draco's name in seeming-agony. Harry's nervous King squeaked and nearly fell over with trembling legs, his Queen scowling at him as he hid behind her.  
The American Knight piece, who did not know who Draco Malfoy was (or didn't care), jumped in his horse's mount in the saddle excitedly. "YEE HAW! Y'all brought another kid to play with!"  
"Enough!" a scratchy voice boomed from overhead. Draco even cowered under the voice, finding that at this height, Snape's menacing sound was far more powerful and threatening than when Draco was normal size.  
Snape waved his wand over the board, and several red lights glowed over different pieces. As they did so, Draco watched with utter astonishment as some of the pieces began to morph in front of him. Their features began to twist and turn, contorting in seeming discomfort, and with great delight, Draco watched as they began to take on the appearances of people that he knew.  
Harry's Queen, the defiant and haughty royal, was no longer the regal woman with the flowing robes and golden crown. Now, she was a tall and gangly teenage boy with freckles and a mass of red hair sprouting from beneath her crown that looked exactly like Ron Weasley. The American Knight, still hopping up and down in his saddle, lost his rugged looks and chiseled chin to a soft round face and mass of bushy brown hair, the white t-shirt bulging with the growing chest of Hermione Granger. And though the body of the horse remained the same, the head had reshaped itself into a larger version of Hermione's fellow Griffyndor fifth-year, Seamus Finnigan. The slumbering King, still snoozing away, was replaced with the plump mass of Neville Longbottom. Unlike the other pieces that stared with great amazement at each other, King Neville continued to sleep without notice or care, shifting his weight and turning over on his side with his thumb pleasingly in his mouth. The cackling Pawns, giggling madly in the corner of the board as they conspired to steal more jewels from King Neville were replaced with Fred and George Weasley. After a moment of surprise, they both burst into mad fits of laughter, one Pawn slapping his knee and the other bent-over in hysteria. The surly, drunken Bishop, who was hiccupping and burping off to the side, had transfigured into a very large and ogre-looking beast of man. Behind the wiry beard was the Hogwarts Gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid. But the best part of all for Draco was seeing that the frightened King, cowering behind Queen Ron, had not changed appearance much but was sprouting tufts of jet black hair beneath his royal crown and a pair of black-rimmed glasses on his face. As he shifted nervously behind Queen Ron, his crown fell off to one side, and Draco could see the indelible scar on his forehead. It was Harry Potter. "Now, Draco," Snape said quietly, though the voice was loud enough for all of the pieces to hear. "You will be playing the opposing Rook against Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley. You'll notice that, even in this game, the two make quite the pair." Draco laughed under his breath. "And I have given you Ms. Granger and Mr. Finnigan on your side. However, if this piece's behavior is anything like the real Ms. Granger, I believe you might find her to become a problem. Therefore, I would advise that you consider disciplinary action if she does not comply with the rules." Draco looked at Hermione, her legs straddling the horse. He could feel himself breathing heavily, the sweetly satisfying anticipation of punishing Hermione for "misbehavior" heavy on his thoughts. Seamus was already cocking his head from side to side, lowering it and reaching out his long horse's tongue to lick himself. "Now, everybody; places, please," Snape commanded, waving his wand. The original Rook that Draco was replacing was swept off the board, and Draco sauntered over to take his place. As he passed the Queen and the King, he paused to glower at them and smirk at the King, who, as Harry, was holding on to the Queen Ron's waist and pleading for her to protect him. "Help me!" King Harry yelped. "That boy is out to get me! He wants me! Can't you see it?" "You're mine, Potter," Draco said, arching an eyebrow as an evil smile snaked across his face. "When I'm done with you, you'll have a few more scars to add to your collection. Then I'm coming for your boyfr-" "Enough!" snapped Queen Ron, and at that same moment, found that her voice had been replaced by a deeper, scratchier one. "One moment," she began, holding up her hands and looking down her taller, leaner body. "What is going on?" "I have transfigured you," Snape said coldly, a malicious grin across his face. "We shall begin anew, then. You will assume your places. Now, without further objection, let the game begin."  
  
Look forward to the next chapter in the Wizard Chess Slash Series:  
  
Chapter 3:  
"The Pervy Little House-Elf" 


End file.
